proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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