i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
