Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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