i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
