it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
