I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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