My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
