Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
