News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
