i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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