Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
