Me too!
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
