i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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