I am spending my child support on dildos
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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