So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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