I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
