Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
