I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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