While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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