I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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