just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I don't deserve a penis
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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