you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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