I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
