i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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