I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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