i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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