You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
