Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
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