So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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