i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
