How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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