dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
