I skipped work to stalk him.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize
