Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
