rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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