I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
