It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
