ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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