Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
