Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Every concussion has its silver lining
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
