I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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