I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
