I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
