Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
