so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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