Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
