you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
