it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
