All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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