Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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