awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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