It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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