Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
